i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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