You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
