i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
