he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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