was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
