I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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