my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
