u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
