I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
