shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
