I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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