So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
