So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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