Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize