For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
