Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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