apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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