I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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