I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
