"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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