i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
