Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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