I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
