I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
