I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
