i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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