It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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