How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
