apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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