Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
