WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
