That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
