I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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