just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
