I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
