Do you still have your period?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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