The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
