there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
