She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
