every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
