She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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