I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All the doctor said was why
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
