He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
