Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
