so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
