I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
