I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
