I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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