Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
