i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
