I think my fart just growled at me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
