You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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