last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
