Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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