Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize